Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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