Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
