how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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