Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
