the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
