why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
