Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
