Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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