I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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