i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
