At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
