I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
