i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
