Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
