Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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