i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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