My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
