$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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