What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize