How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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