If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
