she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
