He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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