I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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