That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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