I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
