i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
