I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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