I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
