your parents love me but you hate me
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
