If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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