why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
