I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've blown a few things in my day
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
