So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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