just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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