i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
