Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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