i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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