just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
