My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
