she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
