that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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