So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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