U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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