are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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