I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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