I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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