please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Where are you guys?
Drunk
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize