I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
