I can text with my tongue
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
