She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
