He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
