What a fucking waste of an outfit
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
