be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
