I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
