My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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