on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
